A Certain Shade of Green

What if, hypothetically, I were to tell you that I have had a cold sore before? Would you still kiss me? Would you be upset that I didn’t tell you before the first time I kissed you? Cold sores are caused by the herpes simplex virus, which remains dormant (and possibly contagious) even when a cold sore is not present, but it’s so common and so unlikely to be contagious without a sore than most people don’t make a big deal out of it.

I don’t get cold sores. Never have. But I do have genital herpes. It’s the same deal, except we can wear condoms for even more protection, and symptoms aren’t broadcasted to the world by showing up on the face.

I have been going out with Eric for a few weeks now. I’m really enjoying it, too. Rather than tolerating the hurdle that is the non-sex part of dating for the prize at the end of the road (sex), I actually like hanging out with him. For our second date he took me to the Buzz Under the Stars concert, and our first kiss was while Rivers Cuomo was only 100 feet away from us, crooning, “…and it makes me feel so fine I can’t control my brain…” He texts me every day. He always wants to hear about my day. Before our dates he tells me how much he’s looking forward to it, during our time together he raves about what a good time he’s having with me, and afterward it’s, “Thanks for coming to the concert with me.” “Thanks for inviting me over, Rachel.” “Thanks for hanging out with me.”

On one hand, he’s so great. The last time a guy took me to a concert on a date, I had his baby, and it’s quite rare that someone is not only crazy about me, but is comfortable sharing that information with me. On the other hand, anybody could do that. Mike could have taken me to concerts, making it all the more exciting to date and kiss me. Mike could have added a texting plan to his phone and talked to me more often. But he (and no one else) didn’t. Whenever I have doubts I just keep in mind that the grass is always greener on the other side. Sure, I have seen hotter guys or whatever, but dating Eric has felt much more right than all of the other guys I can remember dating ever, so since I am happy, I am certainly going to enjoy it, and stick around with the occasional doubt tickles the back of my brain.

My birthday is coming up. Usually I like to get laid on my birthday, because hello, it’s my birthday, but I think this time around will be different. I have not yet told Eric about herpes. I am really not sure how to predict how he will react. I mentioned this to Jessica, who has known Eric for awhile, but she is confident he’ll be cool about it. I hope she’s right.

So far sex hasn’t been an issue. Usually by now the dude would try to have sex with me and I’d have to give him some bullshit about not being ready, waiting ’til we know each other better, blah blah blah. Of course, this would usually be lubricated with liquor, which neither Eric nor I (nor Bethie, for that matter) have touched at least since Eric and I started dating. Last time we hung out, we could have had sex so easily. We started making out in my living room once the movie was over, and I said something about being turned on. Somehow we had the “third-time-we’ve-had-sex talk” before the first time, in which I learned the various locations he desired to copulate, including going down on a girl while she’s driving (HOTTT). But I didn’t pick up on any intention to make those things happen right then. Nor did we discuss why we were waiting, or for how long.

I’m really horny, and really anxious to commit to him, tell him I have herpes, and fuck him. Because I like him and want to refer to him as “boyfriend” rather than “Eric, that guy I’m dating, we went to the Weezer concert, etc,” I hate keeping secrets, and am horny, respectively. I even know how I want to tell him my “secret” (see first 2 paragraphs). I was thinking I could do it in that order, too, because if he already commits to me, then isn’t cool with HSV, then he has to Break Up with me. If I just tell him about HSV first, then he might do the fade out and it’ll be easier to bail. Bethie believes this is not right, because it’s something he should know before he makes a commitment to me. Either way, if I do anything soon, it may ruin my birthday.

If I commit to him soon, by Saturday (my birthday party), I will have no more excuses to not have sex with him, other than HSV. And I don’t want to have that conversation, or that rejection, when it’s a happy fun birthday time. I guess I’ll just wait ’til after my party and after my birthday proper.

To help me wait to have sex with Eric, I had to bring in some help Sunday night. James. James was my crush sophomore and junior year of high school. We would flirt hard core, and a lot of people even believed we were dating, but he always had a girlfriend. We were reunited recently, and of course he had a girlfriend, but then we really started flirting when he told me he was single (yeah right). Long story short, he was a bit taken aback by HSV at first, but then came around, and we had sex. The foreplay was great, and it felt really passionate, but as for the actual sex, it could have been much better. I hadn’t even gotten around to suggesting moving out of missionary and into doggie style before he finished. Oh well. I’m really glad I did it, in any case, because I’ve wanted to for a good 9 years now. It might not have been the most exemplary way to begin a relationship (talking about Eric here), but I think it’s a gray area, since Eric and I have not made any sort of commitment to one another. And, it ultimately helps me wait to get physical with Eric, ensuring we don’t rush into it.

Last night I dreamed I had unprotected sex with Seth. I was like, I don’t care, he can get herpes. I had gone to bed thinking about all the recent rejections. Allow me to share the new, recent ones.

I started talking to my neighbor, Travis, again after we saw each other at the pool. We haven’t talked much since the night we met and kissed at Wise Guys a year or so ago. He is a single dad with a son about my son’s age and is super hot (he even does some modeling). He told me he was in an open relationship with his long distance girlfriend and is interested in a friends with benefits. On Tuesday we had a playdate. I figured it was a great opportunity to get hot for each other, steal some kisses, but there wouldn’t be lots of opportunity for sex. I wanted to continue this, and just as he was thinking he couldn’t want me more (and the situation couldn’t be better, with our sons best friends and living so closely) THEN I swoop in with my herpes.

Unfortunately I didn’t count on him asking me that night if I was “clean.” (Side note: I was clean. I had just taken a shower. There was nothing unpleasant to the senses about my genital area. I really hate that term used in that context.) The first idea I had was to lie, and my plan could still be executed, but he saw right through that. Fine. I would tell him. I did, and he took it well. He was understandably concerned that it wasn’t just him that could get it, it was his girlfriend, too; but he did come up with the idea to make out and stuff instead of doing anything that puts him at risk. We’ve talked since then, but haven’t gotten our schedules to match up. I do think that he was sincere about wanting to be intimate with me more.

Thursday night I came really close to having sex with James. James is an old high school crush that I never got to date due to him always having a girlfriend. Nowadays he is reportedly single and works and lives down the street from me (I’m on his way home). We had hung out a few times and talked a lot, but Thursday night I stopped him from going “all the way” due to the possibility that my son or roommate could walk in on us. Really I just wanted him to think about me and want me for awhile, then I’d tell him about herpes via text, not face to face, which I did yesterday. His response was something like “Oh um I don’t know what to say, I really don’t…I have a habit of breaking condoms. Um I don’t know Rach I’ll have to think about it.” That was pretty much what I expected, but by the end of the night I felt quite bitter about it.

Yesterday I ran into Jerod. I had a crush on him back when I knew him as my brother’s friend years ago. More recently he and I messed around a little. He had been living with his fiance in my neighborhood. I didn’t have sex with him, because soon after he propositioned me I was diagnosed with herpes, but never told him why. He’s been single for a few months now, and he told me he wanted to see me that night. I went over and knocked on his door three times, but no answer. He posted on facebook something about getting back from Independence but didn’t tell me anything.

I talked to Nate about a week ago, who seemed up for hanging out with me again, but he kept pretty much ignoring me via text over the last few days.

I went out last night, but didn’t see any guys I felt like talking to. I came home early feeling sad and angry. I even started missing Mike and thinking it may have been a mistake to break up with him. I mean, he did have sex with me. And the herpes was never even an issue for him. I may need to take an alcohol moratorium again. I reeeeaaallly don’t want to be That Girl, the one that gets angry and/or sad when she drinks. I want the old me back, that enjoyed the feeling of getting drunk.

As I increased my time and fondness of Mike, Seth increased his interest in me. Seth and I made out on New Year’s Eve, and I had always been attracted to him before that, and after the NYE thing I tried to talk to him more until I learned from Katie that he was really hung up on Katie. That sucked, but at least I heard it before I made a fool of myself or anything. So of course, as Mike and I began to hit it off, Seth decided he was interested in me. Seth is so hot, and according to Katie gives the best head ever, and I know he’s into me. I want so badly to give that a try. I feel horrible to be so superficial, but it bothers me that I’m not that attracted to Mike. I was sitting across the table from him tonight, looking at him, and I realized I am still just not attracted to him. Then again, I felt attracted to him during sex tonight. At one point we realized the condom had come off inside me, and as he located another and took care of all that, he asked if I was sure I had an STD. Oh yeah, I’m sure all right, although it rarely bothers me. He didn’t seem that concerned, just acknowledged the fact that he takes a risk by having sex at all.

About Seth, I keep thinking about him. I sometimes feel bad that I flirt with him so much, since Mike is my boyfriend now, but I think about Seth all the time. Maybe that says something about how I feel about Mike? Tonight I closed my eyes and pretended it was Seth I was fucking. I fought the urge to text him once I left Mike’s. But I think about breaking up with Mike, and I don’t like that either. Then I’ll never get to hang out with his friends, or him, and what would I tell him? That there’s someone else? That he lives too far away (it’s like 40 minutes if no one gets lost)? That I want a boyfriend that does not talk about farting every time I see him? Those three things are really the only problems. Also he went down on me twice. Mike has given me newfound hope for sex with men in general, but what if it’s just empty hope?

Also, who’s to say that Seth is going to want me once I tell him I have herpes? For all I know, I could break up with Mike and tell him all three reasons, effectively severing all ties with him, then go for it with Seth, and be left with a lonely vagina that Seth finds disgusting and worth discussing with our coworkers. That’d be pretty darn bad.

Alternatively, I suppose I could try things out with Seth on the DL and if all goes well, then break up with Mike. If not, I feel like there’s not much of a chance that Seth will spread it around work, and if he does, it would just be a sacrifice I’d be making for the greater good. Like the first gay person to come out.

But is it wrong to “try things out” when I have a boyfriend? That’s cheating, and Mike really didn’t do anything to deserve that. I’ve barely even gave Mike a chance. But don’t I deserve to be with someone I’m attracted to? And doesn’t it not count if I either don’t actually have sex with Seth (because he doesn’t want my herpes) or break up with Mike before having sex with Mike again so I’m not double dipping?

A part of me says this is all a “moo point”. Why take the risk? We’ve already determined that I like Mike, so I should just love the one I’m with and accept that no matter who my boyfriend is, there is always going to be someone hotter, funnier, smarter, geographically closer, etc…

FYI it’s 3am and I am super tired, in case the above seemed disjointed and unfocused.

I just grabbed a spoon. It was great to have sex with Toby, and maybe the proverbial spoon was grabbed at that time, but I am getting along famously with Mike, and Thursday night was our first time knockin’ boots.  He has a charming innocence about him. It’s so strange to think that we felt so apathetic towards one another a few months ago, and now we are so enamoured. The ironic thing is that when he left, at 2 am, I got online to watch tv and ended up facebook chatting with Nate, who wanted to come over the next morning on his way home from work for “sleeping and cuddling.”

If it were any other dude, I would have interpreted that as a booty call. However, Nate knows I have herpes and has not seemed to be interested in my vagina since the disclosure. In addition, our relationship has, since high school, hovered around physicality and coupledom without ever hitting either on the head (we’ve never had sex or been a couple, but come very close).

Again with the irony, he seemed to be ready to get it on. I declined, not being too specific (it wasn’t explicit that he wanted me, and I didn’t want to tell him that I had sex in the bed he was in 7 hours ago). Upon later reflection, I realized that I can increase my sexual freedom–and have increased it–by having male friends that are aware of my condition and are attracted to me. My date with Mike did not invovle any mood-killing herpes discussion, because he already knew. Had I chose to go as far as Nate wanted to, there would be no need to make a point of telling him I have herpes, because I already did. I imagine that, should I want to make a booty call at some point in the future, I have a chance with Toby.

I will now revel in my newfound level of normalcy.

I don’t remember whether I have mentioned this before, but I have an account with okcupid.com. I’ve had it for awhile, and haven’t done much with it, until a few months ago–I realized old pix, from 40 pounds ago, were on there. I replaced them with very sexy pix and updated my info, including an announcement of my HSV status. I figured it was worth a shot, since positivesingles.com costs money to really use it. And this way, there’s less of a chance dudes will dump me once they hear the h-word. I’m pretty sure most people read (at least skim) a profile before meeting them in person.

So long story short, I just had a 4th date with Toby. He’s nice, not too bad to look at, and we have plenty in common. Unfortunately, I don’t feel the way I think I should for someone I’m dating. I feel really medium. Not crazy about him, I don’t dislike him, he’s just…fine. Maybe this “spark,” this elusive “chemistry” everyone talks about comes later? I usually am quiet around new people. I think I get along better with those that feel comfortable bearing the burden of conversation. But if we don’t find much to talk about, does that mean we’re not compatible, or that we’re both quiet but can get along just fine?

Whenever I feel the urge to have a boyfriend, I feel like it’s not very realistic to find someone I’m crazy about. Just find someone at least tolerable, and hey, there’s sex, so I’ll survive. Then I realize that if it’s just sex I’m after, then why bother with the boyfriend crap? This is no longer an option, now that HSV has revoked my sexual freedom. So now the tolerable boyfriend scenario sounds perfect on paper. But is it? Don’t I deserve better? I guess that’s what I’m afraid of. Not finding someone better, I mean. And isn’t that what feeling less than deserving entails?

Even if it’s something I deserve, is it ethical? I wonder how Toby feels about me. Maybe he’s in the same boat. I just wish so much that I could date someone and have sex with someone that I was excited about. Of course, if all the excitement emanated from the fact that he was Mr. Wrong (like my alcoholic exes), then it’s a moo point. It’s like a cow’s opinion–it doesn’t matter.

In my interactions with others, I have the irritating habit of thinking of them as correct and superior. Why? Sometimes people obviously have superior knowledge or experience to me, but as far as conversations and relationships go, shouldn’t we mostly make it up as we go along, with few fatal mistakes just from individuality? I have also noticed that some men I interact with, in a potentially romantic context, are unafraid to tell me exactly how fond of me they are, and are assertive and proactive when attempting to get a date from me. I took this topic to my friends for discussion. My acquiescent female friend shared my perspective–it would be great to recognize our desires and proactively pursue them, but that puts us in a vulnerable position and is scary. I asked my male friend how he would feel if a woman he was dating or close to dating were assertive when expressing her feelings to him. Wouldn’t it be flattering, whether the feelings were mutual or not? As he mentioned that sometimes assertive positive feelings could come across as desperate, I realized that confidence is key. Maybe the manslations guy wasn’t correct after all when he said that it’s ok, even encouraged, to be nervous when approaching a guy. Thinking back on my past experiences, it does seem that confidence (NOT arrogance or pretentiousness, et. al) is the common thread with the aforementioned men I salute.

To consider demonstrating confidence paradoxically deflates my confidence due to nervousness. Do I have confidence? Can I be confident? May I be confident?

Of course I can. This does not mean thinking of myself as better than others, or holding the belief that I am never wrong. Rather, I believe that taking risks is worth it, and if I am wrong, then I can and will survive. However, embracing this concept fully AND risking rejection while emanating confidence is super scary. So I resolve to fake it ’til I make it.