As I increased my time and fondness of Mike, Seth increased his interest in me. Seth and I made out on New Year’s Eve, and I had always been attracted to him before that, and after the NYE thing I tried to talk to him more until I learned from Katie that he was really hung up on Katie. That sucked, but at least I heard it before I made a fool of myself or anything. So of course, as Mike and I began to hit it off, Seth decided he was interested in me. Seth is so hot, and according to Katie gives the best head ever, and I know he’s into me. I want so badly to give that a try. I feel horrible to be so superficial, but it bothers me that I’m not that attracted to Mike. I was sitting across the table from him tonight, looking at him, and I realized I am still just not attracted to him. Then again, I felt attracted to him during sex tonight. At one point we realized the condom had come off inside me, and as he located another and took care of all that, he asked if I was sure I had an STD. Oh yeah, I’m sure all right, although it rarely bothers me. He didn’t seem that concerned, just acknowledged the fact that he takes a risk by having sex at all.
About Seth, I keep thinking about him. I sometimes feel bad that I flirt with him so much, since Mike is my boyfriend now, but I think about Seth all the time. Maybe that says something about how I feel about Mike? Tonight I closed my eyes and pretended it was Seth I was fucking. I fought the urge to text him once I left Mike’s. But I think about breaking up with Mike, and I don’t like that either. Then I’ll never get to hang out with his friends, or him, and what would I tell him? That there’s someone else? That he lives too far away (it’s like 40 minutes if no one gets lost)? That I want a boyfriend that does not talk about farting every time I see him? Those three things are really the only problems. Also he went down on me twice. Mike has given me newfound hope for sex with men in general, but what if it’s just empty hope?
Also, who’s to say that Seth is going to want me once I tell him I have herpes? For all I know, I could break up with Mike and tell him all three reasons, effectively severing all ties with him, then go for it with Seth, and be left with a lonely vagina that Seth finds disgusting and worth discussing with our coworkers. That’d be pretty darn bad.
Alternatively, I suppose I could try things out with Seth on the DL and if all goes well, then break up with Mike. If not, I feel like there’s not much of a chance that Seth will spread it around work, and if he does, it would just be a sacrifice I’d be making for the greater good. Like the first gay person to come out.
But is it wrong to “try things out” when I have a boyfriend? That’s cheating, and Mike really didn’t do anything to deserve that. I’ve barely even gave Mike a chance. But don’t I deserve to be with someone I’m attracted to? And doesn’t it not count if I either don’t actually have sex with Seth (because he doesn’t want my herpes) or break up with Mike before having sex with Mike again so I’m not double dipping?
A part of me says this is all a “moo point”. Why take the risk? We’ve already determined that I like Mike, so I should just love the one I’m with and accept that no matter who my boyfriend is, there is always going to be someone hotter, funnier, smarter, geographically closer, etc…
FYI it’s 3am and I am super tired, in case the above seemed disjointed and unfocused.
