Last night I dreamed I had unprotected sex with Seth. I was like, I don’t care, he can get herpes. I had gone to bed thinking about all the recent rejections. Allow me to share the new, recent ones.
I started talking to my neighbor, Travis, again after we saw each other at the pool. We haven’t talked much since the night we met and kissed at Wise Guys a year or so ago. He is a single dad with a son about my son’s age and is super hot (he even does some modeling). He told me he was in an open relationship with his long distance girlfriend and is interested in a friends with benefits. On Tuesday we had a playdate. I figured it was a great opportunity to get hot for each other, steal some kisses, but there wouldn’t be lots of opportunity for sex. I wanted to continue this, and just as he was thinking he couldn’t want me more (and the situation couldn’t be better, with our sons best friends and living so closely) THEN I swoop in with my herpes.
Unfortunately I didn’t count on him asking me that night if I was “clean.” (Side note: I was clean. I had just taken a shower. There was nothing unpleasant to the senses about my genital area. I really hate that term used in that context.) The first idea I had was to lie, and my plan could still be executed, but he saw right through that. Fine. I would tell him. I did, and he took it well. He was understandably concerned that it wasn’t just him that could get it, it was his girlfriend, too; but he did come up with the idea to make out and stuff instead of doing anything that puts him at risk. We’ve talked since then, but haven’t gotten our schedules to match up. I do think that he was sincere about wanting to be intimate with me more.
Thursday night I came really close to having sex with James. James is an old high school crush that I never got to date due to him always having a girlfriend. Nowadays he is reportedly single and works and lives down the street from me (I’m on his way home). We had hung out a few times and talked a lot, but Thursday night I stopped him from going “all the way” due to the possibility that my son or roommate could walk in on us. Really I just wanted him to think about me and want me for awhile, then I’d tell him about herpes via text, not face to face, which I did yesterday. His response was something like “Oh um I don’t know what to say, I really don’t…I have a habit of breaking condoms. Um I don’t know Rach I’ll have to think about it.” That was pretty much what I expected, but by the end of the night I felt quite bitter about it.
Yesterday I ran into Jerod. I had a crush on him back when I knew him as my brother’s friend years ago. More recently he and I messed around a little. He had been living with his fiance in my neighborhood. I didn’t have sex with him, because soon after he propositioned me I was diagnosed with herpes, but never told him why. He’s been single for a few months now, and he told me he wanted to see me that night. I went over and knocked on his door three times, but no answer. He posted on facebook something about getting back from Independence but didn’t tell me anything.
I talked to Nate about a week ago, who seemed up for hanging out with me again, but he kept pretty much ignoring me via text over the last few days.
I went out last night, but didn’t see any guys I felt like talking to. I came home early feeling sad and angry. I even started missing Mike and thinking it may have been a mistake to break up with him. I mean, he did have sex with me. And the herpes was never even an issue for him. I may need to take an alcohol moratorium again. I reeeeaaallly don’t want to be That Girl, the one that gets angry and/or sad when she drinks. I want the old me back, that enjoyed the feeling of getting drunk.
