What if, hypothetically, I were to tell you that I have had a cold sore before? Would you still kiss me? Would you be upset that I didn’t tell you before the first time I kissed you? Cold sores are caused by the herpes simplex virus, which remains dormant (and possibly contagious) even when a cold sore is not present, but it’s so common and so unlikely to be contagious without a sore than most people don’t make a big deal out of it.
I don’t get cold sores. Never have. But I do have genital herpes. It’s the same deal, except we can wear condoms for even more protection, and symptoms aren’t broadcasted to the world by showing up on the face.
I have been going out with Eric for a few weeks now. I’m really enjoying it, too. Rather than tolerating the hurdle that is the non-sex part of dating for the prize at the end of the road (sex), I actually like hanging out with him. For our second date he took me to the Buzz Under the Stars concert, and our first kiss was while Rivers Cuomo was only 100 feet away from us, crooning, “…and it makes me feel so fine I can’t control my brain…” He texts me every day. He always wants to hear about my day. Before our dates he tells me how much he’s looking forward to it, during our time together he raves about what a good time he’s having with me, and afterward it’s, “Thanks for coming to the concert with me.” “Thanks for inviting me over, Rachel.” “Thanks for hanging out with me.”
On one hand, he’s so great. The last time a guy took me to a concert on a date, I had his baby, and it’s quite rare that someone is not only crazy about me, but is comfortable sharing that information with me. On the other hand, anybody could do that. Mike could have taken me to concerts, making it all the more exciting to date and kiss me. Mike could have added a texting plan to his phone and talked to me more often. But he (and no one else) didn’t. Whenever I have doubts I just keep in mind that the grass is always greener on the other side. Sure, I have seen hotter guys or whatever, but dating Eric has felt much more right than all of the other guys I can remember dating ever, so since I am happy, I am certainly going to enjoy it, and stick around with the occasional doubt tickles the back of my brain.
My birthday is coming up. Usually I like to get laid on my birthday, because hello, it’s my birthday, but I think this time around will be different. I have not yet told Eric about herpes. I am really not sure how to predict how he will react. I mentioned this to Jessica, who has known Eric for awhile, but she is confident he’ll be cool about it. I hope she’s right.
So far sex hasn’t been an issue. Usually by now the dude would try to have sex with me and I’d have to give him some bullshit about not being ready, waiting ’til we know each other better, blah blah blah. Of course, this would usually be lubricated with liquor, which neither Eric nor I (nor Bethie, for that matter) have touched at least since Eric and I started dating. Last time we hung out, we could have had sex so easily. We started making out in my living room once the movie was over, and I said something about being turned on. Somehow we had the “third-time-we’ve-had-sex talk” before the first time, in which I learned the various locations he desired to copulate, including going down on a girl while she’s driving (HOTTT). But I didn’t pick up on any intention to make those things happen right then. Nor did we discuss why we were waiting, or for how long.
I’m really horny, and really anxious to commit to him, tell him I have herpes, and fuck him. Because I like him and want to refer to him as “boyfriend” rather than “Eric, that guy I’m dating, we went to the Weezer concert, etc,” I hate keeping secrets, and am horny, respectively. I even know how I want to tell him my “secret” (see first 2 paragraphs). I was thinking I could do it in that order, too, because if he already commits to me, then isn’t cool with HSV, then he has to Break Up with me. If I just tell him about HSV first, then he might do the fade out and it’ll be easier to bail. Bethie believes this is not right, because it’s something he should know before he makes a commitment to me. Either way, if I do anything soon, it may ruin my birthday.
If I commit to him soon, by Saturday (my birthday party), I will have no more excuses to not have sex with him, other than HSV. And I don’t want to have that conversation, or that rejection, when it’s a happy fun birthday time. I guess I’ll just wait ’til after my party and after my birthday proper.
To help me wait to have sex with Eric, I had to bring in some help Sunday night. James. James was my crush sophomore and junior year of high school. We would flirt hard core, and a lot of people even believed we were dating, but he always had a girlfriend. We were reunited recently, and of course he had a girlfriend, but then we really started flirting when he told me he was single (yeah right). Long story short, he was a bit taken aback by HSV at first, but then came around, and we had sex. The foreplay was great, and it felt really passionate, but as for the actual sex, it could have been much better. I hadn’t even gotten around to suggesting moving out of missionary and into doggie style before he finished. Oh well. I’m really glad I did it, in any case, because I’ve wanted to for a good 9 years now. It might not have been the most exemplary way to begin a relationship (talking about Eric here), but I think it’s a gray area, since Eric and I have not made any sort of commitment to one another. And, it ultimately helps me wait to get physical with Eric, ensuring we don’t rush into it.
